My Boy

The old man fusses at me for always putting Colin in front of my face when we take photos together. I can't understand this because A) Colin is far cuter than I, and B) he's also way more important. To me, this photo says "Look, I did this!". He's proud of his crazy tongue and I'm proud to have made it through these past 10 months. Horray for us both!

6 days shy of 6 months

So, yeah...the boy is almost 6 months old. I wanted to share a comment I wrote on a fellow new mom's blog. Maybe not so much share (I don't think I have readers!) but to have it here on my wimpy blog so that I can reflect on it years later...or let it be lost to the abyss of the internets. At any rate, you can see her entry here if you are too confused by the context...

I am recently postpartum. I have a nearly 6 month old son and it’s a very strange, confusing, “who have I become” kind of thing. I, too, find myself reacting to things in a way that I never thought I would before. The words “I have a baby” come out of my mouth all the time now as if to say “yes, this is important, but I have a baby…do you have any idea how BIG this is?”. I worry about driving him in the car, about keeping him safe at home. I worry about him sleeping at night and napping at the babysitter’s. I worry about everything because all of the sudden, my focus in life has shifted to something other than myself. Like, for the first time in 30 years.

I, too, lament his teeny clothes as I put them away for the “next one”. I finally allowed my husband to take down the “it’s a boy” sign. We rearranged his nursery to accommodate a guest bed and I actually felt bad to change something that had been just so since he was born. I can’t throw away that terrible toothpaste they gave me at the hospital when he was born. I agonize each time he goes up a size in diapers.

I was sad to read the article referring to newborns as a narcotic because I felt that while I was on maternity leave I didn’t enjoy my baby like I was supposed to. I want a do-over. It was super hard for me. I had a pretty good pregnancy (although I was deemed high risk simply because I’m a bigger gal). I had a doula, I prepped for childbirth by reading tons of books. I was totally stoked. But, 19 hours of labor ended in a C-Section due to “failure to progress”. Pretty much the worst sounding, I’m a huge failure kind of diagnosis. I was devastated to have a C-Section because I felt I had been totally robbed of my womanly right to birth a child. I still feel that way and most people think that’s crazy. But, that’s how I felt..I was very sad and depressed that I didn’t get to deliver like a normal person. I didn’t get to have that experience of a slimy baby on my belly and looking happy as I see him for the first time. I saw him above a sheet in the OR as I was drifting in and out due to the insane meds. I held him for the first time 3 hours later. It breaks my heart to think about him without his mom those first 3 hours and felt for a long time that we missed out on some major bonding thing that would’ve made me feel closer to him during those first few weeks.

But, those first few weeks I didn’t feel very close to my baby. I didn’t know him. He seemed to cry all the time and my holding him did nothing to help. I did not feel that instant love that your MIL referred to. I knew he was mine and that he was special, but I just didn’t know him yet.

He lost a good deal of weight because the C-Section made my milk take FOREVER to come in. When it finally did, I was already supplementing with formula. I felt horrible and guilty that I couldn’t give birth normally and I couldn’t produce enough milk to feed my child. So, desperate to have something to connect me with my son, I kept breastfeeding and supplementing with formula even though I had passed the point where breastfeeding seemed impossible. We got it down, finally, in our own way. I still don’t make enough milk (F-U le leche league who says women make enough milk for their babies…jerks!) and he’s getting about 1/3 of his food via formula, but I’m finally over it. I did what I could, as did you. There is an unfair emphasis on breastfeeding as the only option for your baby that makes mothers feel terrible when they aren’t able to or aren’t willing to put their child through hungry hell!

So, anyway…here we are nearly 6 months later and I do feel that love that maybe some people feel instantly but came to me more gradually. But, I find it hard to look back to those early weeks (or first two months, really) and feel good about my performance as a mom. I think I latch on to these little things, 0-3 onesies, the it’s a boy sign, because I wish I could do it over and do it better…without being a crying, depressed mess. Granted, I’m still a crying, depressed mess, but I know my boy now and I love him and I know he loves his mommy, despite the fact that I couldn’t squeeze him out downstairs.

I guess my point is that I hear you, I’m doing it, too, and know how you’re feeling. It’s very hard going from pre-mom jeni to currently mom jeni. It’s a fast transformation and I still don’t fully understand who I am as a mother. I’m assuming it’ll work at the way it needs to.

I have great ideas...

Perhaps not great ideas, but at least somewhat interesting thoughts. I have poignant monologues running through my head on my now longer commute to work. I have approximately six months of bottled up thoughts that are no longer accounted for. I started a blog to log these things, but I have no time! Dudes, I do two things: I work, I mother. I sleep when the boy sleeps. For real..it's not even like I get to hang out and chill once he's in bed..I'm required to get him to sleep. He will not have it any other way. I am ruled by a tiny tyrant with long eyelashes and a toothless grin.

So today I'm thinking about the pre-baby me and the mommy me and wonder where the difference lies and where to find a happy medium. I don't know what I did before baby...I certainly paid more attention to my dogs (poor things) and I certainly slept more. Other than that, I'm drawing a blank.

Goal: My boy's 6th month birthday is coming up Sept 17. I'm wondering if by then I can cut and paste a new, mommy jeni that makes sence. I want to say, yeah...I mother, I work, but I also do this...

What is this?

I heart you, Dekalb Farmer's Market

I've lived in Decatur for almost 3 years now. It's time to recognize the greatness of the Dekalb Farmer's Market. Here's how they bring it on home...

1. Patak Wieners: These guys are local and really know a thing or two about sausages. I love hot dogs and these are the best I've ever eaten. Hands down! They have a crisp casing that becomes magical when grilled.
2. Good Milk: We call this good milk because it's really amazing milk. How does it get so good? Maybe because it's non-homogenized and you have the shake the snot out of it before you use it. Maybe because the Amish make it. Whatever the reason, we can never move because I will not live without it.
3. Peanut Butter Muffins: They're just yummy!
4. Soft Pretzels: They make these and they're amazing..if you buy them the day they're made. Otherwise, they get very stale pretty fast.
5. Lunch: They have a pretty decent "restaurant" in the market where they use all the great ingredients they sell to make a pretty decent selection of foods. It can be hit and miss at times, especially the veg, but they do have a great fried chicken...made with Bell & Evans chicken!
6. Ciao Bella Gelato & Sorbetto: This is not exclusive the the Farmer's Market, but it is the closest place I can buy it here (Whole Foods sells it as well). What's the diff between ice cream and gelato? Beats me. We have tried the Key Lime Graham Cracker Gelato, the Malted Milk Ball Gelato, and the Blood Orange Sorbetto. Each of which we've tasted and immediately declared it the best ever. The Old Man plans on trying the Chocolate Jalapeno next. Blech!
7. Jerky!: Yea, they make their own jerky. Beef AND bison! How awesome is that? For two bucks or so, you can get a couple good size slices that will last the drive home. Note: be sure to pick up an Orangina on the way out if you buy the Cajun jerky because it is pretty spicy!
8. 99cent Cupcakes: This is new to the market. They are HUGE cupcakes and they're amazing. The trendiness of cupcakes is on the rise right now and there are a lot of shops in Atlanta that'll charge 2-3 bucks a pop for one of their little dinky cupcakes. Sure, they're great, but the Farmer's Market KILLS the cupcake competition. Here's why: they use fresh, awesome ingredients. The icings are incredible. I think my favorite is the German Chocolate, totally decked out with an amazing coconut pecan caramel icing that is so rich, you must have a glass of the abovementioned "good milk" to eat it.
9. Bulk Spices: Equal cheap spices. I challenge you to go to Whole Foods and find a decent size container fenugreek for 50 cents. Really!
10. Recycling: Although we're too lazy to do this at this juncture in life, they offer a pretty great service where you can really recycle pretty much anything. Maybe not batteries.

I'm ready to go! A word of advise...Saturdays are horrible there. So altough I'd like to go tomorrow and chow down on a cupcake, I'll be avoiding it. The awesomeness of the Farmer's Market does not go unnoticed by the citizens of Decatur!

hello, thankyou

I'm funny about blogging. In the same way I've always been funny about keeping a journal. I've never been able to do either for a long period of time. I have several notebooks in which I've started journaling, only to give up a week in. I'm sure I have lost blogs floating on the internet with a few entries and nothing more. What makes this blog any different? Nothing. The chances of keeping up with this are slim. Perhaps even more so now that I have a 9 week old baby boy.

I want to write here about the things I love. Let's document my boy and how he grows. Let's document my adventures with my dear Old Man (husband). Let's talk about the food I'm eating, have eaten, and plan on eating tomorrow. This is it!